love future
I am afraid of you.
Not only because I do not know what you think is in store for me, but especially because I am afraid that you will not fulfill my dreams, goals and ideas, because you can not.
The sentence "You can do anything if you want" is wrong in my eyes. Because I want so much that is impossible. By sheer willpower can stop hunger in the world do not any more than war, oppression, injustice.
Maybe I'll definitely happen, a good graduation, a great education if I really want to. However, the will alone is not enough hard work will never reach it. Relationships, contacts and grace are far more likely the factors that come with it, to be allowed to pursue ambitious goals to be able to.
I have no relations, no major contacts and by this I have no more than hope for mercy, but finally they say, hope dies last.
What if I do after high school, completed their training and first-rate study completed yet land on the street?
And what if I lose by some stupid mistake the love of my life?
What if my mother dies? Or run over my cat or stolen?
Man's face it, is really sure can rely on nothing more, all you can do, is to be hoped that everything will be good and to me is not enough.
I do not sit around hoping for more, and must, because I am unable to do anything against this fear, I do not every want to have days to think about when here I am finally out there and I am also not just about my life finally even allowed to take in hand. It is not only the constant scrutiny from all sides, that makes me ready, it is this constant fainting, this knowledge that I can not change the situation at the moment nothing, although it just nothing, huh I could do more to me.
course longing ich mich nach wie vor nach der Möglichkeit, endlich auf eigenen Beinen zu stehen dürfen, doch es belastet mich mehr als alles andere, dass ich nicht weiß, ob all die Arbeit sich irgendwann auch lohnt.
Ich will nicht von Harzt IV leben müssen, in keinster Weise vom Staat abhängig sein, ich will mein Studium selbst bezahlen können und am meisten will ich die Gewissheit, dass am Ende alles gut wird.
Doch die habe ich nicht und die kann mir auch niemand geben, niemals.
Es ist verdammt hart, nichts zu planen zu können, weil noch nichts fest steht, weil niemand sich um meine Träume und Pläne schert, weil nichts entschieden oder beschlossen ist.
Noch ein Jahr, dann sehe ich zu, dass ich hier weg komme, das ist das einzige, was ich weiß.
Und ich weiß, was ich will: Nach Berlin gehen, eine Ausbildung in der Gastronomie machen, weil das ein relativ wirtschaftslagensicherer Berufszweig ist, den ich auch sehr mag und weil ich nach dem Studium nicht arbeitslos werden will, danach an einer guten Uni Germanistik und noch irgendwas anderes studieren, aus meiner Lethargie heraus kommen und eventuell bald eine Therapie anfangen. Die letzten zwei Dinge auf der Liste kann ich schon sehr bald in Angriff nehmen, das liegt in meiner Hand, ja doch.
Aber der Rest? Was, wenn mich trotz Abi kein Betrieb will, ich bei der Uni auf der ewig langen Warteliste lande und am Ende doch in der Gosse?
Zukunft, du machst mir Angst, in beruflicher and private regard.
I do not want a house, but I want him, and a dog and many cats and a large, beautiful, bright apartment and so much more and I'm so afraid, afraid to fail in all this that I feel the air cutting it, when I think about it.
I wish I had Rory Gilmore and would live in Stars Hollow, and had all these people who stand behind me and help me in achieving my goals and dreams. But I do not have a rich friend, whose father was director of the Stanford Eagle Gazette and the New York Times will never give me the prospect of a scholarship, I will never be on the editor of the Yale Daily News, but I hope so much that my heart almost burst.
I have to be my friend and I love him very much and intensive insider experience in the family restaurant I will certainly be very useful, and maybe I'll get it all at some point in the series, but I have failed in so many things that I simply important, have failed irretrievably.
I just funk. "Thank you for your attention" and
with socialist greetings,
Miss Kacka
